Want to be a good communicator? - Why not give what you want to receive?
March 13th, 2008 Everyone thinks they could be powerful communicators if they wanted to be. Just as everyone thinks they could be terrific actors if they wanted to be.
And maybe they could.
The principles are simple. But not so simple to put into action.
To be a powerful communicator, you need to say what you really think and what you really feel. Simple, right? But, how do we do that?
We have a lot of “good” reasons why we shouldn’t say what we believe. We’re worried about destroying our relationships, getting fired, and ruining our futures.
So, we hold back. And we second-guess what everyone else wants to hear.
When I work with clients, I begin by asking, “What is the first thing you think about when you are going to communicate something to someone?” My wife, who knows what I do, answered, “I think about what I’m going to wear.” Clients commonly give me a long list of answers, which almost never include, “What do I really want to say?” It’s always, first and foremost, about their listener’s agenda. And in their second-guessing lies all their communication problems.
There are no successful innovators who have not taken risks; especially the risk to express who they are. Albert Einstein, Galileo, Steve Jobs, Claude Monet, Pablo Picasso, Jack NIcholson, Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, John Wooden, Martin Luther King, Ghandi and on and on. That’s how they’ve made their impact on the world. They thought their own thoughts and put them into action.
“Not possible in my situation,” you say? “My boss, coworkers, employees, clients, spouse don’t want that. I’ll end up alienating everyone, and alone! I can’t do it.”
Well, the first step is to know what you really think and really feel and would like to say. You don’t have to say it, but you need to know it to decide what you are going to say and do.
Communication is a creative process, and in creating anything you start by not censoring yourself, and then eventually refine your raw ideas step by step to arrive at the final product. If it’s all strictly guided by second-guessing “what people want,” the end result will be shallow and empty. (Three wonderful books to read on creativity and learning are THE COURAGE TO CREATE by Rollo May, FREE PLAY by Stephen Nachmanovitch, and THE INNER GAME OF TENNIS by Timothy Gallwey.)
I was involved with a Broadway play years ago. It was a wonderful, meaningful piece with powerful values and exquisite scenes. Just a few days before the opening, the people in charge started to worry about how the audience would react to certain sections of the play and changed them to be more “logical,” lessening its impact. The play opened and closed in one night!
I was coaching a man running for high political office. I asked him why he was running and he started to give me his standard spiel. I stopped him and asked him what the real reason was. “Ego? Power? Money? Prestige?” That caught him by surprise. He paused for a few moments and then said,” Yeah, it is ego.” And then, with real conviction in his voice he told me, “But, I’ll tell you something else, when I was growing up we kids would sit around the dinner table and my mother would tell us what was going on in the world and ask us, ‘what are you going to do about it.’ That’s why I’m running for office.” It was a powerful communication that really speaks to people.
We need to take appropriate risks to express what we believe to make the contribution we want to make. Otherwise, what’s the point?
What do you really want from others? Honesty? Sincerity? Decency? Respect? Or manipulation, calculation, and giving you what they think you want? The answer is obvious to all of us.
Why not give what you want to receive?
Copyright 2006 David Kagen
All rights reserved
David Kagen’s clients have included Alec Baldwin, Ted Danson and many other entertainment luminaries, as well as business consultants, lawyers, quality control engineers, and political campaigners for over 35 years.
For more information you can contact David Kagen at:
(818) 752-9678, or through his web site, www.communicateauthentically.com.